It’s not about the food.
It isn’t! Well, it is, but only for a little bit.
It’s about the practices – the practices are the weight.
The weight of habit. The weight of the difficulty of change. The weight of the diet mentality.
The practices are what stand between you, and the you who doesn’t struggle.
I uncovered another one last night – one I’ve been doing a REALLY good job avoiding. One I built when I was in middle or high school and have done a really great job practicing over the years. Drinking supports it. Going out supports it. Parties support it.
A desire to appear “good” supports it best of all.
You know what sucks? It isn’t even about hunger! It’s just this skill I’ve developed that I’ve practiced a gazillion times.
The problem is I can avoid it if I stay home. I can hide from it and think I’m fine – but then when I do go out – there it is again.
You know what is really amazing – I can even use my Joy Eat to not have to deal with it.
(Can you tell I’m stalling and I don’t really want to out myself on this one… Yeah, that is happening…)
I come home and I eat more food.
Doesn’t seem too bad on the surface, I know. The problems are that it’s more than I need, I’m holding back when I go out and trying to be “good” and it backfires when I get home, I’m often choosing foods that don’t feel good in my body or get me the results I want. And the big one…
Shame!
Nothing like waking up feeling shame like a warm blanket over your ego…
So, I’m done.
Or, I’m out of that closet. I had to come out. I couldn’t go on doing another thing that was so clearly not who I am or want to be in the world.
That is what this process of personal growth is! It’s noticing where you’re out of alignment and then taking that opportunity to change.
It’s hard!
I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. I’ll for sure have urges when I go out to “look good” that may make me under eat so I get to go home and overeat other things. I’ll have to make great plans. I’ll have to support myself before I go out and choose the fuel I want to have that will make me feel good in my body and get me the results that I want and then I’ll have to come home to my sleeping house and keep taking care of me.
I wonder what that will look like? It’s going to be different.
Can you do me a favor? If you know someone who would benefit from reading this can you share it with them? I want them to know they aren’t alone in this skill!
I also want to hear from anyone who can relate because I’m guessing this post will give me a vulnerability hangover, and you know what goes great with a hangover?
Overeating! But no, I won’t be doing that… I’ll be reading, because it turns out reading feels like self care and I don’t want to eat over it like I do with TV!
Big love,
Caryn
Photo Credit: Photo by Abigail Keenan